What about me? - One of my Struggles with Homeschooling

I don't know what my problem has been lately.  I cannot get caught up or motivated to get caught up. I think being a SAHM/homeschooling mom has finally caught up with me.  Before I even had kids, I knew I wanted to stay home with them.  So much that I almost didn't go to college and may not have had my parents not pushed me to go.  I became pregnant with my oldest  while I was doing my student teaching.  He was due 3 months after I was finished with my college program.  My plan was falling perfectly into place.  After Greyson was born, I started watching a few other children in my home and that became my life for the next 4 years.  Two years after Greyson was born, Lincoln was born.  I continued watching other children and loved that my boys were around other kids every day and because of this I was able to stay home with them.  But, this can be a pretty secluded life.  Of course I talked with all the parents during drop- off and pick-up, but that was about all of my adult interaction for the day.  I could tell by year 4, I was getting burnt out.

I started a couple of businesses and was able to stop baby-sitting and focus on the next path our life was going to take, homeschooling.  This was something I never imagined I would ever do.  I had crazy sterotypes about what homeschool families are like, I was worried about what our friends and family would say, and I was worried about getting the kids involved with other kids.  Thankfully, I found an amazing homeschool group and all of my worries and concerns disappeared.  My first true year of homeschooling, I was pregnant with Britton, which caused me to stop teaching the boys for a bit, but I still knew this was the right choice for our family.  We were getting involved in our homeschool group with art clubs, lego clubs, loads of field trips, geography clubs, karate class, and so much more.  Things were falling into place yet again.

Then we decided to shake things up a bit and move across the world to Thailand.  I was really nervous about homeschooling in a new country.  I had no idea what supplies I could get. Would I have library access? Would it be easy to take the boys on field trips?  How would I get them involved? It was really stressful at first and because of that Lincoln ended up going to preschool at the school Ben teaches at.  I felt like I had failed.  After you make the decision to homeschool, you are all in and it is really hard to go back on that.  Especially when you feel like people are just waiting for you to come to your senses and put the kids in "real school".

The next year, Lincoln had Kindergarten at home and I was so relieved to have him back home with us.  We finally had the boys involved in after school activities, found them a music teacher, they were in art & lego clubs...things were going great for them.  This year is the same and we have them involved in a few more things that we are really excited about, but during all of this great transition, I feel like I have been left behind.  I have been so concerned about making life full for the boys that I forgot to think of myself.

For the past 9 years, I have been mom/teacher for 24 hours a day 7 days a week.  Somewhere in all of this I forgot how to just have fun with the kids.  I am so used to teaching them all the time, that I can't seem to turn off the teacher switch.  This isn't good for them and it isn't good for me.  I have really needed to take a step back and look if this is the best for all of us.  I know homeschooling is still the right choice.  I also believe the right choice is to have a little time away from the boys.  I'm needing a new focus or hobby.  I need more time out of the house to breath and not be yanked on. I need more time out with adults to keep me sane. I really need to start focusing on me again.

Now, I know that may sound like I am saying I don't enjoy time with my boys or that I am being selfish because I need time way.  Absolutely not.  I love spending time with my boys, but too much time is not good for any of us.  Usually, when I am not being the best parent it is because I have not gotten out of the house by myself in quite sometime.  It has taken 9 years for me to finally realize all of this.

I just want all of those insanely hard working SAHM and Homeschooling moms to know, it's okay to take a break and admit you need time away.  You are not failing at all.  We just cannot do it all, all the time. We need a vacation from our jobs, and it's just a little more difficult when your job is your family. The saying, "When Mom isn't happy, no one is happy." is a true statement.  So, as of today,
I am deciding to have more time to myself. I am going to pencil 'Me time" into my schedule, so I can be the best mom that I know I can be.