Time for a Confession

I hear this comment a lot from other parents, "I wish I had your patience. I could never homeschool."  Or, "You are so good with your boys. You do the most creative things with them". Every time I hear those comments I think, man, if you were only at home with us everyday you would probably feel very different. I am actually not very patient. I lose my cool every day. I'm sorry if I have lead you to believe that I have it all together. I do not. 

Today, was a really bad day. I felt like I was suffocating in my house. The boys decided it was a great day to fight and complain the whole time. I was on the verge of tears. Threats were thrown out about losing electronics or friend time if they could not straighten up. The boy were miserable and I felt defeated. Negative thoughts were beginning to consume me. Why did I ever think I could do this?  Do I want to spend everyday with the boys?  Maybe it would be better if they went to school?

I have been at home with my boys for around 3000 days. The boys have probably only spent 30-40 days away from me. That was a little shocking when I figured that out. That is not enough time away or apart. I find that when I start to hit a wall it is really hard for me to feel  refreshed  again.  It is wonderful getting out for a date night, or run and get a massage or pedicure, or have a night out with friends, but that is not usually enough for me.

Imagine working for the past 9 years and only getting 40 days off (meaning time away from the kids). I know many of you are in the exact same boat.  I think it is a matter of feeling very burnt out and overwhelmed. I'm sure a lot of how I am feeling can be attributed to the end of the school year. We are all ready for summer vacation! But, I need some alone time...like now. I have been feeling very guilty because I have a very big trip planned this summer for just me.  I am meeting a friend in Germany and we are going to be traveling around Europe for almost two weeks.  I cannot get over feeling guilty, but when I take a step back, I know this trip is exactly what I need.  

I also seem to make these outrageous expectations for myself.  I always fall into the mindset that if  " I did it for one boy, I must do it for the other two." I will have planned 3 themed birthdays in a matter of 4 months and honestly it is taking every ounce of endurance in my body to try and get this last one prepared. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE birthdays, but these parties are sending me over the edge. It has made me realize that I need to simplify. I do not have to have a completely homemade birthday for my boys. Will they care if I order a cake instead of bake my own?  Will they care if we take a few friends to a play land instead of a huge theme party at home?  I don't think they will. I imagine they would rather have a happy mom, not a stressed out monster mom. 

I have started to take the fun out of being a mom. I have lost sight of why I am preparing these activities for the boys. Who am I doing this for, me or them?  I am reminded over and over that my 9 year old only has 9 more years before he is 18!  Those last 9 years flew by and I know the next 9 will do the same. I don't want the boys to remember their mom as this crazed perfectionist/workaholic that could never just laugh and enjoy life with them. I am much better than how I was when we lived in the US, but I am still too high strung with them. 

So today, in front of all if you, I am pledging to enjoy the time I have with the boys, stop putting so much pressure on myself for these crazy deadlines that I give myself,and re-evaluate what is important to me. I would much rather put my time into having fun with the boys instead of having pictures that "looked" like we were having fun when in reality a picture does not tell the whole story.  It's time for a change. 

I will be blogging about this process I am going through. Sharing my successful days and the days I feel like I have completely failed. I will be open, honest, and raw about my days at home. I will try and post more of our real  moments and not just our picture perfect moments.    I hope as a community we can be supportive of each other and if anyone else is having struggles with homeschooling or being a parent  I would love for us all to offer support and advice.  

I do not always have it together.  I have struggles daily, moments of frustration, and many times where I feel like I have done this whole parenting thing wrong.  But, I am thankful that I get to be the one to decide it is time to really fall in love with being a parent again.  

Anyone else ready for a change?