Time for a Confession

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

I hear this comment a lot from other parents, "I wish I had your patience. I could never homeschool."  Or, "You are so good with your boys. You do the most creative things with them". Every time I hear those comments I think, man, if you were only at home with us everyday you would probably feel very different. I am actually not very patient. I lose my cool every day. I'm sorry if I have lead you to believe that I have it all together. I do not. 

Today, was a really bad day. I felt like I was suffocating in my house. The boys decided it was a great day to fight and complain the whole time. I was on the verge of tears. Threats were thrown out about losing electronics or friend time if they could not straighten up. The boy were miserable and I felt defeated. Negative thoughts were beginning to consume me. Why did I ever think I could do this?  Do I want to spend everyday with the boys?  Maybe it would be better if they went to school?

I have been at home with my boys for around 3000 days. The boys have probably only spent 30-40 days away from me. That was a little shocking when I figured that out. That is not enough time away or apart. I find that when I start to hit a wall it is really hard for me to feel  refreshed  again.  It is wonderful getting out for a date night, or run and get a massage or pedicure, or have a night out with friends, but that is not usually enough for me.

Imagine working for the past 9 years and only getting 40 days off (meaning time away from the kids). I know many of you are in the exact same boat.  I think it is a matter of feeling very burnt out and overwhelmed. I'm sure a lot of how I am feeling can be attributed to the end of the school year. We are all ready for summer vacation! But, I need some alone now. I have been feeling very guilty because I have a very big trip planned this summer for just me.  I am meeting a friend in Germany and we are going to be traveling around Europe for almost two weeks.  I cannot get over feeling guilty, but when I take a step back, I know this trip is exactly what I need.  

I also seem to make these outrageous expectations for myself.  I always fall into the mindset that if  " I did it for one boy, I must do it for the other two." I will have planned 3 themed birthdays in a matter of 4 months and honestly it is taking every ounce of endurance in my body to try and get this last one prepared. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE birthdays, but these parties are sending me over the edge. It has made me realize that I need to simplify. I do not have to have a completely homemade birthday for my boys. Will they care if I order a cake instead of bake my own?  Will they care if we take a few friends to a play land instead of a huge theme party at home?  I don't think they will. I imagine they would rather have a happy mom, not a stressed out monster mom. 

I have started to take the fun out of being a mom. I have lost sight of why I am preparing these activities for the boys. Who am I doing this for, me or them?  I am reminded over and over that my 9 year old only has 9 more years before he is 18!  Those last 9 years flew by and I know the next 9 will do the same. I don't want the boys to remember their mom as this crazed perfectionist/workaholic that could never just laugh and enjoy life with them. I am much better than how I was when we lived in the US, but I am still too high strung with them. 

So today, in front of all if you, I am pledging to enjoy the time I have with the boys, stop putting so much pressure on myself for these crazy deadlines that I give myself,and re-evaluate what is important to me. I would much rather put my time into having fun with the boys instead of having pictures that "looked" like we were having fun when in reality a picture does not tell the whole story.  It's time for a change. 

I will be blogging about this process I am going through. Sharing my successful days and the days I feel like I have completely failed. I will be open, honest, and raw about my days at home. I will try and post more of our real  moments and not just our picture perfect moments.    I hope as a community we can be supportive of each other and if anyone else is having struggles with homeschooling or being a parent  I would love for us all to offer support and advice.  

I do not always have it together.  I have struggles daily, moments of frustration, and many times where I feel like I have done this whole parenting thing wrong.  But, I am thankful that I get to be the one to decide it is time to really fall in love with being a parent again.  

Anyone else ready for a change?  
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  1. I am so not perfect as we'll.I lose my cool sometimes yell and scream then feel so horrible about it. We are human and not perfect.

  2. Thank you for sharing! I have always known that I was not cut out to be a stay at home mom, and I admire those who can do it. I have days where my kids drive me crazy, and then I feel guilty for not appreciating the time I have with them. I lose my cool and then I try to do better. We have all been there.
    Realizing that something has to change is always an amazing breakthrough. Maybe you could find another mom who would take your boys once a week, and in exchange you take her kids once a week? Give yourself permission to have days off.
    If we didn't have bad days we wouldn't realize how wonderful the good ones are. I look forward to following your progress and am rooting for you!


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